I've been swamped with emails, texts and blog posts in valiant attempts to keep me calm. I still feel somewhat the same. Somewhat overworked, but calmer under pressure. I've always been a natural at maintaining my calm but I've not been tested so much in these last couple of weeks, ever. My best friend (not NY, the other best friend) left for Melbs last week. I was at a friend's party on a boat and couldn't see her off at the airport. Honestly, I wouldn't have let her go. She sent me a text just before she flew off, telling me how we've known each other for 12 years and about God's plan in all this for us. It was poignant. I attempted to disguise my grief by saying that I got eyeliner in my eye but I prolly annoyed the tear ducts cos before I could make a run for the doors to head out, I was crying. I stepped outside and weeped. Weeped because I wouldn't be able to talk to her as often, weeped because I wouldn't be able to hang out with her at soccer matches and criticise the lousy ref, weeped because I couldn't text her to keep me company through the dreary classes where NY was too sleepy and DDE wasn't in school. I weeped for all the times I wouldn't be able to just enjoy knowing she was nearby and that I'd be safe. Just when I looked up to face the cool wind, I saw a plane take off, I cried even harder. Thank you girlies for the comforting hugs and embraces, means a lot. (:
GL left for Newy last night/this morning on the red-eye out. She made me promise I wouldn't cry when I said my goodbyes. I didn't. She did. Then inevitably, I started crying as well. NY's pat on my arm was the point of no return. Where I realised that six months was a much longer time than I'd convinced myself to believe, the reality of the situation and the abrupt parting in our lives made the circumstances all the more upsetting. I miss you Gen. I really do. I'm left with what ifs to the question I asked you after you checked in, you were reluctant to talk. You know I don't need you to say what I so blatantly see. You'll tell me in time. I'll guard the fort on this side of the equator but you need to start getting confirmations and asking for advice, you'll need it. I know the breaking point was when I spoke to you in our hug. Although I wasn't prepared for the way you turned your head into my shoulder and weeped, I felt it too, for you. You're not in this alone, I'm sure you know that. You looked so small and fragile when I saw you off, like I wanted to go along with you just to make sure you were safe. Our friendship stretches across all boundaries, we've made sure of that.
MB, your apology was accepted, but I need time to recover. I've been dealt many harsh blows to my relationships with friends. I'm still getting over all that's happened. You caught me at a time when I was rather brittle. I've let you know where and how I can be contacted should the need arise but I'm not sure I can reach out actively to you. I need time to adjust to all that's happened. You'll be fine. You've got to think you'll be fine. Heartbreaks and betrayals are part of life and they're intended to make you a stronger more resilient person, if only you'd give in to what you've succumbed to and take the appropriate measures to learn from them. I know I have.
My feeling of overwhelming suffocature does not end at relationships alone. I've got a mounting pile of school work that needs immediate attending to. I'm not going to discuss that here cos I'll then no longer be in the mood to function, period.