"Sick and tired of having to solve everyone's problems, picking up the slack and being so patient about everything. All I get is heartache and anger thrown my way." Jayasri Prush, 2010. Retrieved from Facebook. (10 July 2010)
I met the long lost kindie friend after 15 years of searching and wondering. And after today's 5 hour long catch-up session, we've found out (painfully) that we've been connected in every step of our lives and by travelling in similar circles. Honestly, I was devastated when I found this out. Mayhap I've become more emotional about these sorta things (I blame it on ageing, growl) and was thinking about all the times we could have shared. I felt, honestly, that something was missing. I reckon I've found one of the missing pieces.
I wouldn't have believed what happened today if someone told me this was gonna happen a month ago. Twas totally not expected, my reaction was totally unexpected. I'm sorry for scaring you guys (if you even read this blog) but I scared myself too. I had to cope and the only way I could do that was by letting it all out instead of going along with the 'exterior's fine, interior broken up' approach I've adopted recently. Sometimes it hurts because although I have close friends, they don't seem to realise I need people to be there for me. There's a natural assumption that "oh, it's Jay-she'll be fine whateves it is". I'm human, I hurt too.
This morning/afternoon's 'confrontation' was not easy for me. I hurt when I have to confront. I put myself out there time and time again and although I know I have your support, I need it to be verbalised. I don't appreciated picking up the slack for everyone all the time. I make exceptions because I bother knowing and people bother telling me about what they're problems are and I work from there. Is that my fault? Is it my fault I'm scarily patient, undeniably protective and unhesitant to shoulder what others cannot? Is it my duty to get talked-down because a group member's behaviour is unsatisfactory for the lecturer or because I give my group too much 'face'? I do it because I care, because I care about YOUR reputations, YOUR situations, YOUR crazy workloads, YOUR other issues with group members, in simple words, YOUR everythings.
To throw me into such a lurch today and expect me to recover, it's absurd. I'm shocked at how you could do this to me, to us, at such a late juncture. I stood up for you countless times when you were trying to the other members in your other groups. I've defended your decisions for you so many times. And this is what I get in return? I'm disgusted (by the way, for those of you who know my anger table, it's at level 6- the final stage after pissed-off) with your behaviour and vapid way of throwing this whole thing in my face.
I hate having to run to people to come up with a contingency plan, I usually have one for all situations. The one good thing that came out of this? You pushed me into two pairs of arms that provided me the best comfort; one who banned me from emailing/ ringing/ texting/ facebooking/ tweeting you because he was pissed off with the way you treated me today and upset that it came this far and I still hadn't lost my patience with you and told you off. The other pair witnessed my angst while discussing you with DDE. Both ways, I never let them put you down, but on hindsight now, I feel I should have just told you off today after I got a talking-to from RC. You deserve it.
Excuses. How could you throw such reasons at my face? AND then try to validate them by your own convenient manipulations of what you were tasked to do. You've got too much to do? I do a whole friggin' extra module than you! All four of us have the same MCQ quiz paper on Monday that you do, DDE has his presentation as well, NY and I have the Business paper due on Tuesday, all of us have the PR essay due Thursday. Still want to say you have more/too much work than us? Stop procrastinating, that's the solution I'll offer you. As NY told me in a sweet text, "I realised I haven't said this and I should have said this more, but you've done a great job holding the fort Jay, sincerely". I told DDE I felt inadequate, like I didn't do anything and in his anger said "Hur, you've not done anything?! You're the one disseminating work and getting everyone to do everything that needs to be done". He's mad at you for being mean to me, I told him you might be having a hard time. Even he understands you when I couldn't see clearly from being blinded by anguish and you wanted to pass everything on to him? I do all this with a genial expression even if it means the work I've done has kept me up the entire day(s). I've been praised for getting everyone through everything, even if it means I take the brunt of the complaints. I've not told you what RC has told me because I felt it was not the time nor place to get you upset. Perhaps I should stop being so considerate? I wouldn't be feeling this way now.
I'm exhausted. I'm dealing with everyone's problems. Just when I feel one is going to end, I get another. MB is pissed with me for not telling something that was unfounded because it was a gut feeling, an intuition. By definition, intuition means : (a) a direct perception of truth, fact etc; independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension (b) a keen and quick insight (c) the quality or ability of having such direct perception or quick insight. You can't blame me for not telling you. You were so happy when you told me, then when things turn sour again, I'm supposed to be at your beck and call to vent your anguish. I'm not responsible for the actions of others. What she told you was between you two, you chose to tell me. Would you still be angry at me if didn't know? You talk about therapy, I say you need anger management and a dash of toughening up. I'm me, and I'm proud of it. I'm not going to let anyone put me down anymore. I'm sick of this atrocity. I really am.
After today, I just want to crawl into a pair of strong arms and forget the world and it's happenings. Maybe, just maybe, the pair of arms I see aren't yours anymore.